Out Of Conflict
Sermon
Sermons On The First Readings
Series I, Cycle A
Today, we are going to talk about conflict. How do you feel about conflict? I suspect that most of us don't like it. Yet, conflict is a nearly constant part of life as most of us experience it. It surrounds us in many ways in every aspect of our living. People who believe in God know that they must live through every interaction with life as an interaction with God. One of the big questions that people of faith must answer is: "How can we live through the conflict situations of our lives as interactions with the God who loves us all and who requires us to love each other?"
Not all conflict is bad. There is a certain amount of conflict that just naturally happens as we grow up into whole persons and as we move from one stage in life to another. Groups and nations have to work through a certain amount of conflict as they make needed changes and as they move from one stage in their lives and histories to another. There are some aspects of life in our society that are intentionally structured to be worked out in terms of the resolution of conflict between persons and groups. Some of these are political processes worked through in terms of conflict between parties, business processes worked through in terms of competition between businesses and tensions between labor and management, and judiciary proceedings that are worked through in terms of adversarial processes. These are all parts of the natural conflicts that are parts of everyday life.
But some conflicts are destructive. We seem always to be living in a world in which tragic conflicts are going on between races and nations. Recently, we have been forced to reckon with the sad realization that there are people in our world who hate our nation and would like to destroy it, or at least to make us suffer as much as they can. We have been drawn into military action to defend ourselves. We feel that conflict becoming an increasingly dominant aspect of our national life, something that could, if we let it, change the way we think about what it means to be American.
There are other conflicts going on. too. Many of us watch with aching hearts the conflicts like the ones that have gone on in the land where Jesus lived. We hurt for the people who have been hurt by them. We tremble when we realize how easily we could be drawn into a similar kind of "no win" conflict. As long as things like that are going on in the world, it is hard for us to feel at peace.
Perhaps the most painful conflicts are those that arise between us and other people who are important to us, in our families or communities or companies or churches, between people whom we wish could be friends. Sometimes they flare into painful confrontations. A husband and wife come into conflict and vent their anger on each other. One or the other walks out the door and never comes back and a family is left in shambles.
Sometimes the conflicts just hover there and have to be lived around, as when two people who really don't like each other are in a meeting and everyone present knows they have to work around their hostility. Sometimes conflicts harm and injure us and our world. We experience the damage when a family gathers without the presence of one who has, for some reason, been alienated or when we miss someone who used to be a friend. You have experienced all of those kinds of conflict, haven't you?
Some people may thrive on conflict but most of us find it terribly painful, so painful that we will avoid it at all costs - even when we shouldn't. When we find ourselves involved in destructive conflicts, we may very well lift a prayer to God to save us from them before they destroy us or someone else.
That is entirely appropriate. The destructive conflicts between us grieve the heart of God because God loves us all. If we imagine God walking across a battlefield where the bodies of his children are being blown apart and rendered lifeless, or standing in a divorce court while the disintegration of a family is being formalized, we will have to imagine God weeping. The Bible describes God as one who is at work in our world and in our lives to save. Certainly things like that are part of that from which God wants to save us. God calls us to learn to live in love. That is part of the gift of fullness of life that God wants to give us. But the life of love is something most of us still need to grow into. The potentially destructive conflicts in our world and in our lives present the most crucial and the most difficult challenges for people who are willing to live toward the fulfillment of the call of God.
The Bible talks a lot about conflict. Our Old Testament lesson for today tells the story of a really terrible conflict. It tells of the sibling rivalry between two brothers, Jacob and Esau. Jacob and Esau were twins. But they were so different and so in conflict with one another that it is hard to imagine their bitterness.
Their struggle began even before they were born. Jacob's name actually means "supplanter," one who pushes others out in order to push himself in. The story of Esau selling his birthright is an example of how Esau could let himself be taken advantage of and then hate both Jacob and himself for letting it happen. The conflict between the two brothers became a conflict between their parents, Isaac and Rebecca - or was it the other way around? Was it the parents' partialities that generated the conflict between the brothers?
Eventually, Jacob tricked his father into giving him a blessing that was intended for Esau. The ancients took things like that very seriously. Once the blessing was given, it could not be taken back. That made Esau so angry that he resolved to kill his brother as soon as he could after their father's death. Knowing that, Jacob fled to his mother's homeland. He said he was going to find a wife. He was actually running away in an attempt to escape Esau's revenge.
What caused the hate that grew up between these two brothers? Differences don't have to cause conflicts, and conflicts don't have to turn destructive. For people who are basically secure in their own personhood, differences may make other people interesting and conflicts may be simply seen as problems to be solved. Differences can be opportunities for creative interactions, for people to live together in relationships in which they compliment one another. Too often differences make people hate each other. What makes the difference?
The problem is that there is something missing in the center of the lives of some or all of the people involved, something that keeps them from feeling secure in their personhoods, something that makes them feel, in the words of one popular psychologist, "not okay."1 When a person who feels not okay encounters something or someone who is different, those differences may seem threatening. And when basically insecure persons or groups find themselves in conflict, they may feel that they are being attacked.
When those who feel vulnerable act to defend themselves, the perceived threat may be turned into a real one. They may do something to hurt the other. An insecure person may make a hurtful comment to another - or about another. A group that feels threatened may take some action to limit the freedom of the other as a defensive action. A country may take military action against another (they call it a "preemptive action"). When that happens, the other person or group feels hurt or threatened and responds in a similar way. The hurtful actions keep being exchanged and getting bigger.
This process can lead to terribly destructive results. We have seen it happen between ethnic groups in Bosnia and in Israel. Have you also seen it happen between persons in your family or friendship group? Have you seen it happen between groups in your community or school or church? Have you ever found yourself involved in it? Have you ever felt so hurt or threatened by something that someone else said or did that you felt that you just had to hit back? Someone told of a little boy who explained to his school teacher why he was fighting. He said, "He started it when he hit me back."
How can we keep from falling into such escalations of hurtful conflicts? And how can we find our way out of them once they get started? We would be wise to start by asking why we feel so vulnerable. Why do we feel so threatened when someone says something that seems hurtful instead of just letting it roll off "like water off a duck's back"? Could it be that there is something missing deep down in the center of our lives? Could we be lacking in a basic sense of who we are and where we stand in life? Is there a lack of confidence in our own personhood? If the answer is really "Yes," many of us may have a hard time admitting that because we think that would make us ultimately vulnerable. But there is something that can be done to change that.
The quest to find ourselves may be the most serious and important venture we will ever undertake, and the best way to begin it is to try to get in touch with God and to find ourselves in relationship with God, that greater reality that holds all of the other realities together.
This happened to Jacob. One night, as he was running away from his brother's revenge, he camped out by the road to Haran. As he slept, he had a vision of angels and he heard God speaking to him and making promises to him and God said to him, "Know that I am with you and will keep you wherever you go ..." (Genesis 28:15). We will reflect on that story some more next week. It was the first of many experiences through which Jacob found himself in the presence of God and discovered who he was in relationship with God. Jacob would have many more conflicts to live through, conflicts with his future father--in--law, conflicts within his family, conflicts with other people and groups. But he would be better able to deal with them because he knew who he was in relationship with God.
In the eighth chapter of the letter to the Romans, the Apostle Paul describes his own experience of coming into relationship with God, and also the relationship with God into which we can come. The chapter starts with the words, "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1). Paul goes on to talk about discovering that we are beloved children of God and about living in a growing, life--shaping relationship with God. And he ends by saying that nothing in the whole creation can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus. If we can find our way into that kind of a relationship with God, we will have a new confidence in our own personhood and that can change a lot of things in our lives. It can enable us to deal constructively with conflicts by claiming God's assurance for ourselves and by sharing it with others.
That kind of affirmation of personhood can make a difference. We can imagine that it could have made a difference if both Isaac and Rebecca had made a conscious effort to affirm the unique personhood of both of their sons.
Could it be that the first step in the resolution of our conflicts is to find our way into that wholeness that takes away our vulnerability? Could it be that the second step is to affirm the personhood of the other so that he or she can also gain the freedom that comes with identity and security? Of course, that will not solve all of our problems and make all of our conflicts go away. But it will set us free to do the hard work of resolving conflicts.
It will take courage to venture out into threatening situations trusting God's affirmation. It will take wisdom to know how to affirm the personhoods of others with whom we may be in conflict so that they do not feel threatened. It will take commitment to work through conflicts giving attention to the needs of the other, as well as to our own needs. And, when there is a real hurt or a real danger, it will require great faith to take whatever defensive action must be taken without falling into a hatred that will make enemies forever. The process of resolving conflict is hard work. It begins with knowing who we are and with affirming others.
Does all of that sound unrealistic? It is not. It happens. It is not differences that cause conflicts. We can think of many examples of people who are different living together in ways that enrich both of their lives. A big, robust industrial worker whom everybody called "Cowboy" was married to a tiny and very proper school teacher - and they idolized each other. An ambitious and energetic young professional man renews his friendship with on old professor who is dying and their relationship becomes a growing experience for them both. Two congregations of different races merge into one new church and the creativity of the interactions within the congregation make it come to life in new ways. It happens. In fact, most husbands and wives who are happily married will find that they have chosen for their partners, not people who are just like themselves, but people whose personalities are complementary to their own. There are lots of couples who are still married today, lots of friends who are still friends today, lots of associates who are still working together today because they valued their relationships enough to make them willing to do the hard work of resolving a conflict.
The play, 1776, dramatizes the meetings of the Second Continental Congress that eventually produced the Declaration of Independence that made this country a separate nation. The play does a great job of laying bare all of the different kinds of conflict that existed between the people who were delegates to the conference. There were personality differences, differences in disposition, regional prejudices, conflicting economic interests, and differences in personal ambitions. At times, it seemed that the conflicts would prevent the congress from taking any decisive action. But eventually, through long and painful processes, the conflicts were worked through. The Declaration of Independence was signed, and a new nation was born.
All of this is part of what it means to learn to love the Lord our God with all of our heart and all of our soul and all of our mind and with all of our strength and to love our neighbors as we love ourselves (Mark 12:29--31). It will not be an easy thing to learn. But, we have nothing more important to do.
The story of Jacob and Esau eventually had a happy ending. Jacob lived away from his family for years and learned a lot through interactions with God and with life. The Bible tells us his story. It doesn't tell us much about what was going on in Esau's life at the time, but he must have been doing some learning, too. Finally, Jacob returned to his homeland bringing with him the family and servants and possessions that he had gained. As he approached the border of his homeland, he learned that Esau was coming to meet him leading a large company of men. At first, it seemed that the stage was set for a battle - or a massacre. But when Jacob and Esau finally met, they fell into an embrace and established a relationship that enabled them to live together in peace. They had both learned a lot during their time of estrangement. We can learn it, too.
____________
1. Thomas A. Harris, I'm OK, You're OK (New York: Avon, 1967).
Not all conflict is bad. There is a certain amount of conflict that just naturally happens as we grow up into whole persons and as we move from one stage in life to another. Groups and nations have to work through a certain amount of conflict as they make needed changes and as they move from one stage in their lives and histories to another. There are some aspects of life in our society that are intentionally structured to be worked out in terms of the resolution of conflict between persons and groups. Some of these are political processes worked through in terms of conflict between parties, business processes worked through in terms of competition between businesses and tensions between labor and management, and judiciary proceedings that are worked through in terms of adversarial processes. These are all parts of the natural conflicts that are parts of everyday life.
But some conflicts are destructive. We seem always to be living in a world in which tragic conflicts are going on between races and nations. Recently, we have been forced to reckon with the sad realization that there are people in our world who hate our nation and would like to destroy it, or at least to make us suffer as much as they can. We have been drawn into military action to defend ourselves. We feel that conflict becoming an increasingly dominant aspect of our national life, something that could, if we let it, change the way we think about what it means to be American.
There are other conflicts going on. too. Many of us watch with aching hearts the conflicts like the ones that have gone on in the land where Jesus lived. We hurt for the people who have been hurt by them. We tremble when we realize how easily we could be drawn into a similar kind of "no win" conflict. As long as things like that are going on in the world, it is hard for us to feel at peace.
Perhaps the most painful conflicts are those that arise between us and other people who are important to us, in our families or communities or companies or churches, between people whom we wish could be friends. Sometimes they flare into painful confrontations. A husband and wife come into conflict and vent their anger on each other. One or the other walks out the door and never comes back and a family is left in shambles.
Sometimes the conflicts just hover there and have to be lived around, as when two people who really don't like each other are in a meeting and everyone present knows they have to work around their hostility. Sometimes conflicts harm and injure us and our world. We experience the damage when a family gathers without the presence of one who has, for some reason, been alienated or when we miss someone who used to be a friend. You have experienced all of those kinds of conflict, haven't you?
Some people may thrive on conflict but most of us find it terribly painful, so painful that we will avoid it at all costs - even when we shouldn't. When we find ourselves involved in destructive conflicts, we may very well lift a prayer to God to save us from them before they destroy us or someone else.
That is entirely appropriate. The destructive conflicts between us grieve the heart of God because God loves us all. If we imagine God walking across a battlefield where the bodies of his children are being blown apart and rendered lifeless, or standing in a divorce court while the disintegration of a family is being formalized, we will have to imagine God weeping. The Bible describes God as one who is at work in our world and in our lives to save. Certainly things like that are part of that from which God wants to save us. God calls us to learn to live in love. That is part of the gift of fullness of life that God wants to give us. But the life of love is something most of us still need to grow into. The potentially destructive conflicts in our world and in our lives present the most crucial and the most difficult challenges for people who are willing to live toward the fulfillment of the call of God.
The Bible talks a lot about conflict. Our Old Testament lesson for today tells the story of a really terrible conflict. It tells of the sibling rivalry between two brothers, Jacob and Esau. Jacob and Esau were twins. But they were so different and so in conflict with one another that it is hard to imagine their bitterness.
Their struggle began even before they were born. Jacob's name actually means "supplanter," one who pushes others out in order to push himself in. The story of Esau selling his birthright is an example of how Esau could let himself be taken advantage of and then hate both Jacob and himself for letting it happen. The conflict between the two brothers became a conflict between their parents, Isaac and Rebecca - or was it the other way around? Was it the parents' partialities that generated the conflict between the brothers?
Eventually, Jacob tricked his father into giving him a blessing that was intended for Esau. The ancients took things like that very seriously. Once the blessing was given, it could not be taken back. That made Esau so angry that he resolved to kill his brother as soon as he could after their father's death. Knowing that, Jacob fled to his mother's homeland. He said he was going to find a wife. He was actually running away in an attempt to escape Esau's revenge.
What caused the hate that grew up between these two brothers? Differences don't have to cause conflicts, and conflicts don't have to turn destructive. For people who are basically secure in their own personhood, differences may make other people interesting and conflicts may be simply seen as problems to be solved. Differences can be opportunities for creative interactions, for people to live together in relationships in which they compliment one another. Too often differences make people hate each other. What makes the difference?
The problem is that there is something missing in the center of the lives of some or all of the people involved, something that keeps them from feeling secure in their personhoods, something that makes them feel, in the words of one popular psychologist, "not okay."1 When a person who feels not okay encounters something or someone who is different, those differences may seem threatening. And when basically insecure persons or groups find themselves in conflict, they may feel that they are being attacked.
When those who feel vulnerable act to defend themselves, the perceived threat may be turned into a real one. They may do something to hurt the other. An insecure person may make a hurtful comment to another - or about another. A group that feels threatened may take some action to limit the freedom of the other as a defensive action. A country may take military action against another (they call it a "preemptive action"). When that happens, the other person or group feels hurt or threatened and responds in a similar way. The hurtful actions keep being exchanged and getting bigger.
This process can lead to terribly destructive results. We have seen it happen between ethnic groups in Bosnia and in Israel. Have you also seen it happen between persons in your family or friendship group? Have you seen it happen between groups in your community or school or church? Have you ever found yourself involved in it? Have you ever felt so hurt or threatened by something that someone else said or did that you felt that you just had to hit back? Someone told of a little boy who explained to his school teacher why he was fighting. He said, "He started it when he hit me back."
How can we keep from falling into such escalations of hurtful conflicts? And how can we find our way out of them once they get started? We would be wise to start by asking why we feel so vulnerable. Why do we feel so threatened when someone says something that seems hurtful instead of just letting it roll off "like water off a duck's back"? Could it be that there is something missing deep down in the center of our lives? Could we be lacking in a basic sense of who we are and where we stand in life? Is there a lack of confidence in our own personhood? If the answer is really "Yes," many of us may have a hard time admitting that because we think that would make us ultimately vulnerable. But there is something that can be done to change that.
The quest to find ourselves may be the most serious and important venture we will ever undertake, and the best way to begin it is to try to get in touch with God and to find ourselves in relationship with God, that greater reality that holds all of the other realities together.
This happened to Jacob. One night, as he was running away from his brother's revenge, he camped out by the road to Haran. As he slept, he had a vision of angels and he heard God speaking to him and making promises to him and God said to him, "Know that I am with you and will keep you wherever you go ..." (Genesis 28:15). We will reflect on that story some more next week. It was the first of many experiences through which Jacob found himself in the presence of God and discovered who he was in relationship with God. Jacob would have many more conflicts to live through, conflicts with his future father--in--law, conflicts within his family, conflicts with other people and groups. But he would be better able to deal with them because he knew who he was in relationship with God.
In the eighth chapter of the letter to the Romans, the Apostle Paul describes his own experience of coming into relationship with God, and also the relationship with God into which we can come. The chapter starts with the words, "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1). Paul goes on to talk about discovering that we are beloved children of God and about living in a growing, life--shaping relationship with God. And he ends by saying that nothing in the whole creation can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus. If we can find our way into that kind of a relationship with God, we will have a new confidence in our own personhood and that can change a lot of things in our lives. It can enable us to deal constructively with conflicts by claiming God's assurance for ourselves and by sharing it with others.
That kind of affirmation of personhood can make a difference. We can imagine that it could have made a difference if both Isaac and Rebecca had made a conscious effort to affirm the unique personhood of both of their sons.
Could it be that the first step in the resolution of our conflicts is to find our way into that wholeness that takes away our vulnerability? Could it be that the second step is to affirm the personhood of the other so that he or she can also gain the freedom that comes with identity and security? Of course, that will not solve all of our problems and make all of our conflicts go away. But it will set us free to do the hard work of resolving conflicts.
It will take courage to venture out into threatening situations trusting God's affirmation. It will take wisdom to know how to affirm the personhoods of others with whom we may be in conflict so that they do not feel threatened. It will take commitment to work through conflicts giving attention to the needs of the other, as well as to our own needs. And, when there is a real hurt or a real danger, it will require great faith to take whatever defensive action must be taken without falling into a hatred that will make enemies forever. The process of resolving conflict is hard work. It begins with knowing who we are and with affirming others.
Does all of that sound unrealistic? It is not. It happens. It is not differences that cause conflicts. We can think of many examples of people who are different living together in ways that enrich both of their lives. A big, robust industrial worker whom everybody called "Cowboy" was married to a tiny and very proper school teacher - and they idolized each other. An ambitious and energetic young professional man renews his friendship with on old professor who is dying and their relationship becomes a growing experience for them both. Two congregations of different races merge into one new church and the creativity of the interactions within the congregation make it come to life in new ways. It happens. In fact, most husbands and wives who are happily married will find that they have chosen for their partners, not people who are just like themselves, but people whose personalities are complementary to their own. There are lots of couples who are still married today, lots of friends who are still friends today, lots of associates who are still working together today because they valued their relationships enough to make them willing to do the hard work of resolving a conflict.
The play, 1776, dramatizes the meetings of the Second Continental Congress that eventually produced the Declaration of Independence that made this country a separate nation. The play does a great job of laying bare all of the different kinds of conflict that existed between the people who were delegates to the conference. There were personality differences, differences in disposition, regional prejudices, conflicting economic interests, and differences in personal ambitions. At times, it seemed that the conflicts would prevent the congress from taking any decisive action. But eventually, through long and painful processes, the conflicts were worked through. The Declaration of Independence was signed, and a new nation was born.
All of this is part of what it means to learn to love the Lord our God with all of our heart and all of our soul and all of our mind and with all of our strength and to love our neighbors as we love ourselves (Mark 12:29--31). It will not be an easy thing to learn. But, we have nothing more important to do.
The story of Jacob and Esau eventually had a happy ending. Jacob lived away from his family for years and learned a lot through interactions with God and with life. The Bible tells us his story. It doesn't tell us much about what was going on in Esau's life at the time, but he must have been doing some learning, too. Finally, Jacob returned to his homeland bringing with him the family and servants and possessions that he had gained. As he approached the border of his homeland, he learned that Esau was coming to meet him leading a large company of men. At first, it seemed that the stage was set for a battle - or a massacre. But when Jacob and Esau finally met, they fell into an embrace and established a relationship that enabled them to live together in peace. They had both learned a lot during their time of estrangement. We can learn it, too.
____________
1. Thomas A. Harris, I'm OK, You're OK (New York: Avon, 1967).
