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Why do you look at me that way in your smug self-righteousness? I, Judas Iscariot, loved him more than any of you ever could love him; it's just that I love Israel more. I don't know why I would expect anything but contempt from you. After all, I've never gotten the respect I deserve. No, I wasn't like the others. I'm not good and pure like the beloved John. Nor would I boast of bravery and leadership while following along like a sheep, like that big-mouth Peter. But I, above all of the others, was loyal to Israel and I know the scriptures. I knew what was best and did what I had to do. I don't expect you to understand. You weren't there. It's easy to sit back and judge a battle when you're not in the trenches. It's easy to talk about love and forgiveness when you don't have to face hate and oppression every day of your life.

I still don't understand why we had to go through this. As far as I was concerned, and I tried to convince Jesus, we could overthrow the Romans with the forces of heaven. Just last Sunday we had the perfect opportunity for Jesus to ascend to power. As we traveled to Jerusalem to observe Passover, thousands of people greeted us. When they saw Jesus coming down the path on a donkey, the sight reminded them of the prophecy of Zechariah: "Shout, O daughter of Jerusalem; Behold, your king comes to you. He is triumphant and victorious, lowly, and riding upon an ass." And the crowd pulled olive branches off the trees and began to hail Jesus as the son of David, and their king. As we approached the temple, the chief priests were furious at seeing the people acclaiming Jesus and demanded that it stop. I knew beyond any doubt that the priests saw Jesus' popularity too threatening and would take steps to put an end to it all. As I said, that was our opportunity. Why wait for the priests to make a move? I actually thought that on that day, in response to the cries of the crowd, Jesus would climb the temple stairs, seize a sword, and proclaim his kingdom. But no. Jesus said that the prophecy must be fulfilled. He said it again, two days before Passover. That's when he told us that he must be handed over to be crucified. I didn't really believe he would let it happen. I just knew that once he was about to be taken he would call down legions of angels to destroy his enemies. That would be what I've been waiting for and it would be the sign for our people to rise up, overthrow our oppressors, and establish God's Kingdom on earth. Isn't that what the Prophets predicted? Didn't they say that a Messiah would come to set up his Kingdom? I've been waiting for a Jewish Kingdom all of my life. I have followed several would-be Messiahs in my lifetime, hoping against hope that each was the One. After each of them was killed or ran away, I saw them for what they were -- impostors.

But this Jesus -- I truly thought he was the Promised One. When he told us that he must be handed over to his enemies, I thought he was telling us to arrange for his capture so that he could then finally reveal his power and glory. Why do you look at me that way? Is it hate? Or is it pity? Don't you believe what I'm saying? I went to the chief priests because Jesus wanted to be handed over. I had to force the issue. What about the thirty pieces of silver, you ask. I had to make the priests believe that I was serious; that I would betray Jesus for gain. If I had not asked for money, they would have suspected something; they know my reputation as a manager of money. I didn't need a measly thirty pieces of silver. After all, do you forget that I served as treasurer for our group of disciples? That brings me to something else: If I were not trustworthy, would Jesus have selected me to be treasurer?

Oh, sure, my attempts to keep money in our coffers sometimes got me into trouble. Like the time when we were at the home of Simon the Leper in Bethany. That woman, who always seemed to be hanging around, came to Jesus with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume. At first, I thought that she was making a contribution. But no, she poured it on Jesus' head. I couldn't believe my eyes. I tried to grab the perfume from her. "You fool," I said. "Don't waste this. We can sell the perfume for a high price and give the money to the poor." I thought Jesus would commend me for being so frugal. But he looked at me, that way he often did, and ordered me to leave the woman alone. He said that the poor will always be with us but that he would not. Jesus then told us that the woman poured the perfume on his body to prepare him for burial. That is when I knew what I had to do.

After meeting with the priests, it was just a matter of time before I would give them their opportunity. Jesus knew this. That's why tonight at supper he told me to go and do what I must. But before that, just to show how much he loved me, he had me sit beside him during the meal. He even dipped his bread in the wine and gave me the sop. He would only do that for one he loved. Anyway, I knew he was going to the Garden after the meal. When I left the supper, I went and told the priests, who brought the temple guards to arrest Jesus. I had arranged a signal with them: the one I kissed would be the man. When we arrived in the garden, torches burning and excitement high, I went up to Jesus. "Greetings, Rabbi!" I said. Jesus looked at me and said, "Friend, do what you came for." I kissed him and the guards seized him. That's when I expected Jesus to call upon his father to rescue him and set up his Kingdom on earth. It didn't happen. He let himself be led away and wouldn't allow anyone to resist. Although there wasn't much that John and Peter could do to protect him, to his credit, the big-mouth did grab a sword and cut off an ear of one of the temple guards. But Jesus picked up the ear and placed it back on the guard's head. Will I ever understand?

There's a lot I don't understand; like the Kingdom of Heaven that Jesus was always talking about. I wasn't interested in the Kingdom of Heaven. I wanted the Kingdom of Israel, just as God intended when he gave this land to his chosen people. There would be time enough for a Kingdom of Heaven after we threw out the scum of Rome, those heathens who deny Jehovah and worship pagan gods with the blood of Jews. Why did Jesus not take up the sword and lead us to victory? So many times I pleaded with him to seize his destiny. He would smile at me and say, "My dear Judas, change your heart. Love your enemies and heaven and earth will embrace. We are all brothers. The journey to heaven is a path of love." Jesus was such a dreamer. There is only one true path: the deliverance of Israel!

I did what I had to do. Didn't I? Tell me I did. Please tell me. When Jesus let himself be taken, I still had some hope. But when he was handed over to Pilate and then condemned to death, I knew that it was all over. Oh, my God, what have I done? I was sure that I knew what was best. This was not in my plan. I went to the priests. I told them that I sinned -- that I had betrayed innocent blood. I prayed that they would release Jesus. They laughed at me. I threw the money at them and ran away. Now, here I stand, guilty. Guilty! Guilty! If only I could tell Jesus that I'm sorry, that I did what I thought was best. But now it's too late. I know why you look at me that way. I am a pitiful creature. I have killed the most loving person I ever knew and still cannot bring myself to ask for forgiveness. Tomorrow, Jesus will hang in glory from a cross; tonight, I will hang in shame from a tree.

TO GOD BE THE GLORY