Funerals
Humor
Why Didn't Noah Swat Both Mosquitoes?
Plus Other Humorous Stories For Clergy
A Texas preacher was asked to conduct the funeral for a known
gangster. Others of his mob waited on the pastor and demanded
that he make it a service of praise for the departed brother who
had been sent home to glory by a rival mob. They told the pastor
what terrible things might happen to him if he didn't do what
they asked.
Meanwhile, his board of deacons met and agreed that any person
has the right to a burial service, but they warned him not to
pray the brother into heaven.
Caught on the horns of this dilemma, the preacher began the
service: "Brothers and sisters, I propose to funeralize our
departed brother to the River Jordan and let whosoever's he is
come and get him there."
I heard former Ohio Governor Lausche tell this
A farmer tells the story of the funeral of Punk Green's
mother-in-law, who was kicked to death by his mule. The church
was overflowing with people at her funeral. One of her friends
crowded in and said, "Punk, your mother-in-law must have been
mighty popular around these parts to get such a turnout for her
funeral."
Punk replied, "Well, actually they didn't really come for the
funeral. They came to buy the old mule."
The old man was near death. His children crowded around the
bed to hear his last words. Finally, he said, "Kids, your
51
mother and I have been married for more than 50 years, and she's
the best cook I've ever known. Even now, at death's door I can
smell a strudel baking. Sarah, daughter, be good and go get me a
piece of it before I die."
Sarah went and after a minute returned without the requested
delicacy.
"Where is the strudel I asked for?" her father asked.
"Mama says you can't have any. It's for the funeral
reception."
Following the funeral they had gathered to hear the reading of
the will of their wealthy relative and employer. The attorney
read: "To my cousin, Osgood, I leave my stock portfolio and
properties on the Outer Cape ... to my faithful cook, Minnie, I
leave my Palm Beach estate ... to George, my chauffeur and
handyman who served me so well, I leave $100,000 in cash ... and
to my nephew Brutus, who always argued that health is more
important than wealth, I leave my sweat socks and jogging shoes."
A funeral procession, with the funeral coach and limousines,
was moving along. Directly behind the funeral coach was a Brink's
truck. Two men were standing on the street observing the
procession and one says to the other, "Well, old George did say
he was going to take it with him one way or another."
H.R.
My friend Dr. Donald Miller, Presbyterian clergyman, told me
of a graveside service he once conducted which was for a man from
military service. The gun salute followed. The deceased man's
mother was sitting in a chair in front of the casket. When the
first gun blast went off, it scared her so she fell off the
chair. Her little grandson, standing nearby screamed, "They shot
Grandma!"
Donald Miller
52
There was the rich man in Virginia who had asked to be buried
at the wheel of his Cadillac. Two men watched as they drove the
car into the grave over the ramp which had been dug down to it.
The corpse was sitting all dressed up at the wheel. One man
commented, "Boy, that's really livin'!"
H.R.
A funeral director found that his hearse had developed a bad
squeak which was not well-received by those in the funeral
procession. His staff couldn't find it. So he took it to his
mechanic. He couldn't be sure what to do until he had heard the
squeak. So, the funeral director drove him down the street. The
mechanic lay down on the back floor of the hearse and listened
for the noise. At the first stop light he sat up and looked
around. Two women fainted and the cars in the lane next to his
slammed into each other as their drivers went into shock.
H.R.
Speaking of funerals and burials, there is now available, for
those who feel they will not have enough time while alive to say
their say, a "talking tombstone." For $10,000 you can purchase
this monument with a built-in speaker that features a 90-minute
recorded message which you can make, while alive, to be played
back after your death and burial. The playback mechanism for this
modern version of Enochism is powered by solar energy and
activated by a key -- so in a sense is eternal! (As the Bible
says, "He being dead, yet speaketh.")
News item
53
gangster. Others of his mob waited on the pastor and demanded
that he make it a service of praise for the departed brother who
had been sent home to glory by a rival mob. They told the pastor
what terrible things might happen to him if he didn't do what
they asked.
Meanwhile, his board of deacons met and agreed that any person
has the right to a burial service, but they warned him not to
pray the brother into heaven.
Caught on the horns of this dilemma, the preacher began the
service: "Brothers and sisters, I propose to funeralize our
departed brother to the River Jordan and let whosoever's he is
come and get him there."
I heard former Ohio Governor Lausche tell this
A farmer tells the story of the funeral of Punk Green's
mother-in-law, who was kicked to death by his mule. The church
was overflowing with people at her funeral. One of her friends
crowded in and said, "Punk, your mother-in-law must have been
mighty popular around these parts to get such a turnout for her
funeral."
Punk replied, "Well, actually they didn't really come for the
funeral. They came to buy the old mule."
The old man was near death. His children crowded around the
bed to hear his last words. Finally, he said, "Kids, your
51
mother and I have been married for more than 50 years, and she's
the best cook I've ever known. Even now, at death's door I can
smell a strudel baking. Sarah, daughter, be good and go get me a
piece of it before I die."
Sarah went and after a minute returned without the requested
delicacy.
"Where is the strudel I asked for?" her father asked.
"Mama says you can't have any. It's for the funeral
reception."
Following the funeral they had gathered to hear the reading of
the will of their wealthy relative and employer. The attorney
read: "To my cousin, Osgood, I leave my stock portfolio and
properties on the Outer Cape ... to my faithful cook, Minnie, I
leave my Palm Beach estate ... to George, my chauffeur and
handyman who served me so well, I leave $100,000 in cash ... and
to my nephew Brutus, who always argued that health is more
important than wealth, I leave my sweat socks and jogging shoes."
A funeral procession, with the funeral coach and limousines,
was moving along. Directly behind the funeral coach was a Brink's
truck. Two men were standing on the street observing the
procession and one says to the other, "Well, old George did say
he was going to take it with him one way or another."
H.R.
My friend Dr. Donald Miller, Presbyterian clergyman, told me
of a graveside service he once conducted which was for a man from
military service. The gun salute followed. The deceased man's
mother was sitting in a chair in front of the casket. When the
first gun blast went off, it scared her so she fell off the
chair. Her little grandson, standing nearby screamed, "They shot
Grandma!"
Donald Miller
52
There was the rich man in Virginia who had asked to be buried
at the wheel of his Cadillac. Two men watched as they drove the
car into the grave over the ramp which had been dug down to it.
The corpse was sitting all dressed up at the wheel. One man
commented, "Boy, that's really livin'!"
H.R.
A funeral director found that his hearse had developed a bad
squeak which was not well-received by those in the funeral
procession. His staff couldn't find it. So he took it to his
mechanic. He couldn't be sure what to do until he had heard the
squeak. So, the funeral director drove him down the street. The
mechanic lay down on the back floor of the hearse and listened
for the noise. At the first stop light he sat up and looked
around. Two women fainted and the cars in the lane next to his
slammed into each other as their drivers went into shock.
H.R.
Speaking of funerals and burials, there is now available, for
those who feel they will not have enough time while alive to say
their say, a "talking tombstone." For $10,000 you can purchase
this monument with a built-in speaker that features a 90-minute
recorded message which you can make, while alive, to be played
back after your death and burial. The playback mechanism for this
modern version of Enochism is powered by solar energy and
activated by a key -- so in a sense is eternal! (As the Bible
says, "He being dead, yet speaketh.")
News item
53
