Definitions
Humor
Why Didn't Noah Swat Both Mosquitoes?
Plus Other Humorous Stories For Clergy
Dennis Erickson, the University of Miami football coach, gives
his definition of a fan: "A guy who sits on the 40-yard line,
criticizes the coaches and the players, and has all the answers.
Then he leaves the stadium and can't find his car."
Sports Illustrated
A boy in school when asked to define the word "widow," said,
"A widow is a woman that lived so long with her husband that he
died."
"The poor have kinfolks, the well-to-do have relatives, but
the wealthy have heirs."
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" while you're
looking around for a rock.
Three fellows were arguing about how you define the word fame.
One said, "Fame is being invited to the White House for a talk
with the President in the oval office."
The second fellow claimed that "Fame is being invited to the
White House for a talk with the President -- when the Hot Line
rings and interrupts the conversation, he doesn't answer it."
35
But the third one topped them both: "You're both wrong. Fame
is being invited to the White House for a talk with the President
and when the Hot Line rings, he does answer it. He listens a
moment, then hands you the phone and says, 'Here, it's for you.'
"
My father used to define a traffic light as a green light that
turns red as you approach.
An optimist is a person who sets aside two hours to do his
income tax return.
A pessimist is a person who expects nothing on a silver tray
except tarnish.
An optimist is the lady in church who, when she hears the
preacher say "In conclusion" begins to put on her shoes. But, the
more optimistic person is the deaf man across the aisle from her,
who when he sees her begin to put on her shoes, turns on his
hearing aid!
H.R.
A Chicago school boy wrote on a science paper, "Steam is water
that has gone crazy with heat."
An optimist can be defined as a fisherman who takes along a
camera.
A hypochondriac isn't just a person who is forever taking his
own temperature; it's one who refuses to believe the thermometer
when it registers "normal."
Courage is leaving a restaurant where you have just dined
without leaving a healthy tip. Temerity is going back to the same
restaurant for lunch the next day.
A consultant has been defined as a person who charges for
telling you what time it is after borrowing your watch.
Three years in Boston enabled me to understand the mid-
westerner who defined "parochial" or "provincial" simply as
"Boston." The standing joke then was about the woman who had made
an automobile trip to California. On return, someone asked her
what route she took. She said she went by way of Dedham (a Boston
suburb). Another concerned the lady who said she had a great-
niece who was in college "out west." On inquiry, she said the
girl was at Vassar which is in Poughkeepsie, New York.
Of course, I have to confess that on a recent trip to San
Francisco, I met a man who said he had taken a trip to the east
once. "Where to?" I asked. "To Denver," he said. Well, Denver is
east of California and Poughkeepsie is west of Boston!
H.R.
his definition of a fan: "A guy who sits on the 40-yard line,
criticizes the coaches and the players, and has all the answers.
Then he leaves the stadium and can't find his car."
Sports Illustrated
A boy in school when asked to define the word "widow," said,
"A widow is a woman that lived so long with her husband that he
died."
"The poor have kinfolks, the well-to-do have relatives, but
the wealthy have heirs."
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" while you're
looking around for a rock.
Three fellows were arguing about how you define the word fame.
One said, "Fame is being invited to the White House for a talk
with the President in the oval office."
The second fellow claimed that "Fame is being invited to the
White House for a talk with the President -- when the Hot Line
rings and interrupts the conversation, he doesn't answer it."
35
But the third one topped them both: "You're both wrong. Fame
is being invited to the White House for a talk with the President
and when the Hot Line rings, he does answer it. He listens a
moment, then hands you the phone and says, 'Here, it's for you.'
"
My father used to define a traffic light as a green light that
turns red as you approach.
An optimist is a person who sets aside two hours to do his
income tax return.
A pessimist is a person who expects nothing on a silver tray
except tarnish.
An optimist is the lady in church who, when she hears the
preacher say "In conclusion" begins to put on her shoes. But, the
more optimistic person is the deaf man across the aisle from her,
who when he sees her begin to put on her shoes, turns on his
hearing aid!
H.R.
A Chicago school boy wrote on a science paper, "Steam is water
that has gone crazy with heat."
An optimist can be defined as a fisherman who takes along a
camera.
A hypochondriac isn't just a person who is forever taking his
own temperature; it's one who refuses to believe the thermometer
when it registers "normal."
Courage is leaving a restaurant where you have just dined
without leaving a healthy tip. Temerity is going back to the same
restaurant for lunch the next day.
A consultant has been defined as a person who charges for
telling you what time it is after borrowing your watch.
Three years in Boston enabled me to understand the mid-
westerner who defined "parochial" or "provincial" simply as
"Boston." The standing joke then was about the woman who had made
an automobile trip to California. On return, someone asked her
what route she took. She said she went by way of Dedham (a Boston
suburb). Another concerned the lady who said she had a great-
niece who was in college "out west." On inquiry, she said the
girl was at Vassar which is in Poughkeepsie, New York.
Of course, I have to confess that on a recent trip to San
Francisco, I met a man who said he had taken a trip to the east
once. "Where to?" I asked. "To Denver," he said. Well, Denver is
east of California and Poughkeepsie is west of Boston!
H.R.
