Focus On Behavior
Stories
No Grazing For Sacred Cows
Tormenting Questions In A Bizarre World
Object:
When it comes to people that I know, I must confess that I have my likes and dislikes. I hope that those I like outnumber those whom I dislike, but there definitely are individuals I have known whom I dislike. For instance, egotistical, swaggering, macho, overbearing individuals definitely turn me off. I fear I would like to tell them in some forceful manner what disgusting, offensive, repelling individuals they are. Similarly, sarcastic, pretentious, omniscient, clever-appearing individuals produce negative reactions in me. For individuals who possess these characteristics, I erect social distances that block meaningful communication with them. I fear I find very little that is lovable about such individuals. I wish I did not possess these feelings, Leon, but I do.
These individuals are especially subject to unfavorable judgments on my part. It is all I can do at times to avoid actually hating some of these people. And yet at the same time, I am partly aware of the adverse effect this is having on me. In such situations I am forgetting my ideal of attempting to see something of the spark of divinity in all humans. I also shut out any efforts to engage in dialogue with them. Ideals are diluted that I would like to follow more consistently. In many ways my dislike for these individuals penalizes and injures me. I bring much of my discomfort on myself.
I have worked on this problem, Leon, but I have not done too well with it. Many years ago I realized, at least theoretically, that I could foster a much better attitude toward myself and initiate better relationships with others if I could separate individuals' behavior and actions from the person himself/herself. I well remember going to some faculty meetings where I would endeavor to remind myself of this need to make this kind of separation. Then before I knew it some obnoxious faculty member would get up to speak and I would think to myself what a "big bag of air" this individual was. Consistently, to distinguish the person from his or her behavior is a very difficult assignment to practice.
Failure to succeed, at least partially, in this kind of distinction can contaminate human relationships -- even with those whom you have loved. In the marriage and family classes I used to emphasize the difference between what is referred to as constructive quarreling and destructive quarreling between husband and wife. In constructive quarreling, the focus is upon the behavior of the other. For instance, "I don't think you should have spent so much money on that new lawn chair." The attention here is pointed toward excessive spending behavior. In destructive quarreling the focus is upon the other person himself or herself. Here one might say to the other, "You don't have any sense at all about spending money." This kind of attack in quarreling cuts to the core of the other's personality. One's ego is wounded and frequent encounters of this kind can and do send many marriages to the divorce courts.
Why can't we refrain from harshly judging the personalities of others? Whether it be individuals we assume we don't like or people close to us when we judge something about them, why can't we focus on their behavior, Leon? When others say or do something we dislike, are we unable to avoid slipping into the habit of tearing down their very selves by our careless judgments? How differently we might get along with others if we more often made this distinction between the behavior and the very core personality of people.
Writers like Joan Borysenko stress the importance of doing this for one's mental and spiritual health. In a passage on the meaning of forgiveness that touches on this matter, she writes, "Forgiveness means accepting the core of every human being as the same as yourself and giving them the gift of not judging them."* She proceeds to point out that we may criticize others' behavior, but we should attempt to check our criticism of the person himself/herself. In a way, this seems like a subtle, perhaps insignificant drawing of lines, but I believe it has tremendous implications for ourselves and how we get along with others.
Leon, why is this such a difficult assignment to put into action? Are most of us such insecure, immature, unsteady individuals that we think we derive some kind of propping up by downgrading and judging others? Is it because we are careless in how we engage in our relationships with others? Is it because we are mentally lazy and don't want to make the effort to make this distinction between the actual person and his or her behavior? I don't really know why this is such a difficult assignment, but I do know it is for me.
_______________
*Borysenko, Joan, Minding the Body, Mending the Mind (New York: Bantam Books, 1988), p. 176.
These individuals are especially subject to unfavorable judgments on my part. It is all I can do at times to avoid actually hating some of these people. And yet at the same time, I am partly aware of the adverse effect this is having on me. In such situations I am forgetting my ideal of attempting to see something of the spark of divinity in all humans. I also shut out any efforts to engage in dialogue with them. Ideals are diluted that I would like to follow more consistently. In many ways my dislike for these individuals penalizes and injures me. I bring much of my discomfort on myself.
I have worked on this problem, Leon, but I have not done too well with it. Many years ago I realized, at least theoretically, that I could foster a much better attitude toward myself and initiate better relationships with others if I could separate individuals' behavior and actions from the person himself/herself. I well remember going to some faculty meetings where I would endeavor to remind myself of this need to make this kind of separation. Then before I knew it some obnoxious faculty member would get up to speak and I would think to myself what a "big bag of air" this individual was. Consistently, to distinguish the person from his or her behavior is a very difficult assignment to practice.
Failure to succeed, at least partially, in this kind of distinction can contaminate human relationships -- even with those whom you have loved. In the marriage and family classes I used to emphasize the difference between what is referred to as constructive quarreling and destructive quarreling between husband and wife. In constructive quarreling, the focus is upon the behavior of the other. For instance, "I don't think you should have spent so much money on that new lawn chair." The attention here is pointed toward excessive spending behavior. In destructive quarreling the focus is upon the other person himself or herself. Here one might say to the other, "You don't have any sense at all about spending money." This kind of attack in quarreling cuts to the core of the other's personality. One's ego is wounded and frequent encounters of this kind can and do send many marriages to the divorce courts.
Why can't we refrain from harshly judging the personalities of others? Whether it be individuals we assume we don't like or people close to us when we judge something about them, why can't we focus on their behavior, Leon? When others say or do something we dislike, are we unable to avoid slipping into the habit of tearing down their very selves by our careless judgments? How differently we might get along with others if we more often made this distinction between the behavior and the very core personality of people.
Writers like Joan Borysenko stress the importance of doing this for one's mental and spiritual health. In a passage on the meaning of forgiveness that touches on this matter, she writes, "Forgiveness means accepting the core of every human being as the same as yourself and giving them the gift of not judging them."* She proceeds to point out that we may criticize others' behavior, but we should attempt to check our criticism of the person himself/herself. In a way, this seems like a subtle, perhaps insignificant drawing of lines, but I believe it has tremendous implications for ourselves and how we get along with others.
Leon, why is this such a difficult assignment to put into action? Are most of us such insecure, immature, unsteady individuals that we think we derive some kind of propping up by downgrading and judging others? Is it because we are careless in how we engage in our relationships with others? Is it because we are mentally lazy and don't want to make the effort to make this distinction between the actual person and his or her behavior? I don't really know why this is such a difficult assignment, but I do know it is for me.
_______________
*Borysenko, Joan, Minding the Body, Mending the Mind (New York: Bantam Books, 1988), p. 176.
