Listening to members of the domestic church
Object:
I once heard that Catholic tradition refers to the family as our domestic church. I have often reflected on that phrase. There is a profound truth to that early statement in the Genesis creation story that it is not good for a human to be alone (2:18). For those of us who are married and perhaps have children, this is the intimate community to which we are invited to experience God's love at its most basic level. At its best, we draw deep chords of support from the variety of forms of love that are experienced in a family. Single people have to be more creative but also draw strength from a set of relationships that serve as family for them. We frequently find analogies to God's love for us in the various experiences of family. Even when our family experience is negative, we still retain a yearning for the type of love made possible by family.
Unfortunately the pressures created by the profession of ministry can create tremendous pressures on the family bonds. Churches expect their pastors to maintain a healthy family even while the demands placed on the pastor create strain on the relationship. The needs of a congregation can drain a pastor of energy, interrupt carefully laid family plans, and create undue expectations that test the patience and tolerance of any family. The pressure to present the image of a happy family can, at times, prevent a family from honestly addressing situations that cause family upset.
The Toolbox of the Presbytery Pastoral Care Network (www.pastoralcarenetwork.org) suggests a family evaluation game that I think can help a pastor's family have a healthy conversation about these pressures. The reason for suggesting it as a game is to add some fun to the conversation and a small experience for chance to shape the conversation.
The basic game requires a stack of 3x5 cards and a pair of dice. On each card is typed a question addressing the experience of being in a family in which at least one member is a pastor serving a church. The cards are shuffled and placed on the table between the players. When it comes a person's turn, s/he rolls the dice and the number that shows up determines how far down the deck s/he counts to pull the question that s/he will answer. Once the question is responded to, it is buried in the deck, the deck is reshuffled and the next person rolls the dice. (Shuffling is necessary since there are only twelve spots on a dice and the deck carries 35 or more cards.)
The toolbox I referred to suggests a series of questions for a family with children. You can access it on their website. However the game is valuable for couples without children as well. I want to suggest a series of questions that could be used by a family of two or more adults. Remember that these questions have no particular order. When a card is drawn, the person is asked to simply answer the question as best they can and let the game continue.
Sample Questions:
1. What is one unexpected pressure of the ministry on our relationship?
2. How does the lack of two and three day weekends affect our relationship with our extended family? How should we respond?
3. How do I perceive our parents' attitude toward the ministry?
4. How well do I think each of us does in finding personal time for ourselves?
5. How well do I think we do in finding couple time apart from others?
6. What are the couple time activities that I most enjoy?
7. What are the couple time activities that I least enjoy?
8. What is a new activity that I think we would enjoy?
9. How am I doing with my own spiritual journey?
10. How do I feel about our financial planning toward retirement?
11. What type of Bible study or spiritual practice would I like to share with you?
12. How do we decide whose career takes precedence in determining a move? How does that make me feel?
13. How do I think we are doing in handling our finances?
14. How adequately and fairly do I think the church acts in determining the pastor's salary and benefits?
15. Do I think the way the congregation is informed and/or acts on the pastor's salary and benefits is appropriate?
16. What do I think are the congregation's expectations of the pastor's spouse?
17. Am I comfortable with the way the congregation relates to the pastor's spouse?
18. What do I think the pastor expects of the pastor's spouse?
19. If I think we are overscheduled, what is one activity each of us might drop?
20. If we had a totally unscheduled day, what is one way I would like us to spend it?
21. How do I think we are doing in sharing basic household tasks?
22. Where do you feel guilty about your support of your spouse?
23. How do I feel about how we are responding to the needs of our parents?
24. What good health practice do I think we should consider doing?
25. How supportive do I think the congregation is of the pastor?
26. Do I think the congregation supports the pastor's involvement in mission or service activity outside the congregation?
27. How do I feel about the judicatory's support of the pastor?
28. Do I think the judicatory expects too much of the pastor?
29. In time of crisis, who would I call upon for pastoral support?
30. What is something new I would like us to explore for a vacation?
31. What is one recreational activity that I would like us to do?
32. What is one hobby I could do that would be an escape from the normal stresses of life?
33. In what way can we ease the stress of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter on the minister's family?
34. If we had children in the future, who do I think should be the guardian of our children, if we should be killed in an accident?
35. How would I describe what you think God expects of us as a partners in this marriage?
You may well think of other questions that could be added to the deck. It would probably contribute to the atmosphere of the game if it were played with good music, pleasurable snack food, and an agreement at what time you would conclude play. During the game only short questions of clarification should be asked by the listener. You might want to have a note pad and make a notation of any subject that you would like to discuss further at a future time. You might include in the deck three or four wild cards in which the player is asked to share one behavior of their spouse that evokes in them strong positive feelings.
Speaking to the full church, Paul says in Ephesians 4:15-16 words that address the domestic church as well. "Speaking the truth in love, we must grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ … (so that) each part is working properly, (and) promotes the body's growth in building itself up in love."
Stephen McCutchan is a retired Presbyterian minister living in Winston-Salem, NC. He is author of three books on the lectionary (CSS Publishing) one on the psalms (Smyth & Helwys) and one on Matthew (Author House) He also blogs regularly on the Care of Clergy, www.smccutchan.com/blog.
Unfortunately the pressures created by the profession of ministry can create tremendous pressures on the family bonds. Churches expect their pastors to maintain a healthy family even while the demands placed on the pastor create strain on the relationship. The needs of a congregation can drain a pastor of energy, interrupt carefully laid family plans, and create undue expectations that test the patience and tolerance of any family. The pressure to present the image of a happy family can, at times, prevent a family from honestly addressing situations that cause family upset.
The Toolbox of the Presbytery Pastoral Care Network (www.pastoralcarenetwork.org) suggests a family evaluation game that I think can help a pastor's family have a healthy conversation about these pressures. The reason for suggesting it as a game is to add some fun to the conversation and a small experience for chance to shape the conversation.
The basic game requires a stack of 3x5 cards and a pair of dice. On each card is typed a question addressing the experience of being in a family in which at least one member is a pastor serving a church. The cards are shuffled and placed on the table between the players. When it comes a person's turn, s/he rolls the dice and the number that shows up determines how far down the deck s/he counts to pull the question that s/he will answer. Once the question is responded to, it is buried in the deck, the deck is reshuffled and the next person rolls the dice. (Shuffling is necessary since there are only twelve spots on a dice and the deck carries 35 or more cards.)
The toolbox I referred to suggests a series of questions for a family with children. You can access it on their website. However the game is valuable for couples without children as well. I want to suggest a series of questions that could be used by a family of two or more adults. Remember that these questions have no particular order. When a card is drawn, the person is asked to simply answer the question as best they can and let the game continue.
Sample Questions:
1. What is one unexpected pressure of the ministry on our relationship?
2. How does the lack of two and three day weekends affect our relationship with our extended family? How should we respond?
3. How do I perceive our parents' attitude toward the ministry?
4. How well do I think each of us does in finding personal time for ourselves?
5. How well do I think we do in finding couple time apart from others?
6. What are the couple time activities that I most enjoy?
7. What are the couple time activities that I least enjoy?
8. What is a new activity that I think we would enjoy?
9. How am I doing with my own spiritual journey?
10. How do I feel about our financial planning toward retirement?
11. What type of Bible study or spiritual practice would I like to share with you?
12. How do we decide whose career takes precedence in determining a move? How does that make me feel?
13. How do I think we are doing in handling our finances?
14. How adequately and fairly do I think the church acts in determining the pastor's salary and benefits?
15. Do I think the way the congregation is informed and/or acts on the pastor's salary and benefits is appropriate?
16. What do I think are the congregation's expectations of the pastor's spouse?
17. Am I comfortable with the way the congregation relates to the pastor's spouse?
18. What do I think the pastor expects of the pastor's spouse?
19. If I think we are overscheduled, what is one activity each of us might drop?
20. If we had a totally unscheduled day, what is one way I would like us to spend it?
21. How do I think we are doing in sharing basic household tasks?
22. Where do you feel guilty about your support of your spouse?
23. How do I feel about how we are responding to the needs of our parents?
24. What good health practice do I think we should consider doing?
25. How supportive do I think the congregation is of the pastor?
26. Do I think the congregation supports the pastor's involvement in mission or service activity outside the congregation?
27. How do I feel about the judicatory's support of the pastor?
28. Do I think the judicatory expects too much of the pastor?
29. In time of crisis, who would I call upon for pastoral support?
30. What is something new I would like us to explore for a vacation?
31. What is one recreational activity that I would like us to do?
32. What is one hobby I could do that would be an escape from the normal stresses of life?
33. In what way can we ease the stress of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter on the minister's family?
34. If we had children in the future, who do I think should be the guardian of our children, if we should be killed in an accident?
35. How would I describe what you think God expects of us as a partners in this marriage?
You may well think of other questions that could be added to the deck. It would probably contribute to the atmosphere of the game if it were played with good music, pleasurable snack food, and an agreement at what time you would conclude play. During the game only short questions of clarification should be asked by the listener. You might want to have a note pad and make a notation of any subject that you would like to discuss further at a future time. You might include in the deck three or four wild cards in which the player is asked to share one behavior of their spouse that evokes in them strong positive feelings.
Speaking to the full church, Paul says in Ephesians 4:15-16 words that address the domestic church as well. "Speaking the truth in love, we must grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ … (so that) each part is working properly, (and) promotes the body's growth in building itself up in love."
Stephen McCutchan is a retired Presbyterian minister living in Winston-Salem, NC. He is author of three books on the lectionary (CSS Publishing) one on the psalms (Smyth & Helwys) and one on Matthew (Author House) He also blogs regularly on the Care of Clergy, www.smccutchan.com/blog.
