It takes tough love to communicate God's love
Communicating God's Love
The Reverend Danny Cavett -- director of chaplain services at the University of
Oklahoma Medical Center -- introduced me to a new term a few days ago.
The term: Cancer Brat.
We were in his office at the OU Children's Hospital talking about the camp that he leads for children with life-threatening or chronic illnesses. Most of the 160 children who attend the four-day camp are, or have been, patients at the hospital, and Danny is well acquainted with them and their parents.
Danny was telling me about some of the special needs that children with major health problems face.
He said when he first came to the medical center back in 1977, children who had some forms of cancer and other diseases seldom lived more than a few years.
"It's easy to understand why, in those days, parents and other caregivers tended to pamper a sick child," Danny explained. "After all, they assumed the child wasn't going to live long enough for the pampering to hurt them any. And they were usually right.
"Thanks to advances in medical science, children with life-threatening conditions are living longer," says Danny. He should know. Not only has he been at the bedside of children as a chaplain for nearly thirty years, he has been a clinical instructor in pediatrics at the OU Health Sciences Center for seventeen years.
"The child with cystic fibrosis who used to die at age nine on average, may now live to be 29 or even 39," he says. "Now if parents and other caregivers pamper them too much, it can hurt them. When they are always the center of attention, they usually become self- centered. When there's always someone anticipating what they might need or might want and eager to satisfy their needs and wants, they learn they don't have to do for themselves. It never occurs to them that they should ever do anything for anyone else."
Danny says as the years pass, these young people become more and more self-centered and more and more dependent. Eventually, their parents and other caregivers don't know how to interact with them. The caregivers get tired of doing for them and never being appreciated. They are angry because the child is self-centered, even though they have helped make the child self-centered. Not only do the caregivers resent the patients, the patients resent the caregivers. They yell at one another. And that's why some people label them "cancer brats."
Since my visit with Danny, I've been reflecting on what he told me about the problems that often result when parents and other caregivers overindulge children who have health problems. I've decided that pastors can overindulge congregations.
In fact, when I look back on my early years as a pastor, I realize that I overindulged my congregations.
My first churches were small. Worship attendance was usually fifty or below. Most of my members had extremely limited resources. Probably half of them were at least seventy, what at that time I thought was way past the age when they should be expected to do anything for anybody else.
So, what did I do? I focused on cheering them up. My sermons were always on trusting God to take care of them and their loved ones and their church. "Don't worry. God will provide!"
I seldom delegated any responsibility to anyone. I did whatever needed to be done myself. Never did I challenge them to do what they were capable of doing to keep the church doors open. Even though I thought I was doing the right thing, like an overindulgent parent, I nurtured their dependency.
Evidently, I assumed that the little churches were dying. So I concluded that the best thing I could do was to make them comfortable and help them die in peace. And, within a few years after I moved on, they did die.
In 1973, I became pastor of St. Andrew's United Methodist -- a church in Oklahoma City that had 500 or more in worship during the early '60s, before white flight, and had only 35 when I arrived.
A key leader in that congregation was Win Selby. He helped teach me to challenge a congregation to do all they possibly could to take care of themselves, to care for one another, and to help care for people in the community.
Even though St. Andrew's was reeling from its heavy losses, the courageous and compassionate members responded admirably. They shifted their focus from giving up to giving.
A few days ago, I attended Win Selby's funeral. In keeping with his request, an offering was taken. When the offering plate reached me, I noticed it was piled high. The money was sent to United Methodist Committee on Relief to help with its ministry to survivors of Hurricane Katrina.
Even at his funeral, when people were grieving the loss of a dear friend, Win Selby was challenging people not to focus on their loss, but to help others.
Jesus came to communicate God's love for all people. To express God's love, he comforted the afflicted, and he also afflicted the comfortable.
As pastors, communicating God's love is our responsibility -- rather our opportunity. But let us remember that communicating God's love is not limited to comforting people. It often calls for us to challenge people.
God's love is sometimes best expressed through tough love.
Dr. Boyce A. Bowdon, a United Methodist minister and writer, is author of several books, including "A Child Friendly Church."
The term: Cancer Brat.
We were in his office at the OU Children's Hospital talking about the camp that he leads for children with life-threatening or chronic illnesses. Most of the 160 children who attend the four-day camp are, or have been, patients at the hospital, and Danny is well acquainted with them and their parents.
Danny was telling me about some of the special needs that children with major health problems face.
He said when he first came to the medical center back in 1977, children who had some forms of cancer and other diseases seldom lived more than a few years.
"It's easy to understand why, in those days, parents and other caregivers tended to pamper a sick child," Danny explained. "After all, they assumed the child wasn't going to live long enough for the pampering to hurt them any. And they were usually right.
"Thanks to advances in medical science, children with life-threatening conditions are living longer," says Danny. He should know. Not only has he been at the bedside of children as a chaplain for nearly thirty years, he has been a clinical instructor in pediatrics at the OU Health Sciences Center for seventeen years.
"The child with cystic fibrosis who used to die at age nine on average, may now live to be 29 or even 39," he says. "Now if parents and other caregivers pamper them too much, it can hurt them. When they are always the center of attention, they usually become self- centered. When there's always someone anticipating what they might need or might want and eager to satisfy their needs and wants, they learn they don't have to do for themselves. It never occurs to them that they should ever do anything for anyone else."
Danny says as the years pass, these young people become more and more self-centered and more and more dependent. Eventually, their parents and other caregivers don't know how to interact with them. The caregivers get tired of doing for them and never being appreciated. They are angry because the child is self-centered, even though they have helped make the child self-centered. Not only do the caregivers resent the patients, the patients resent the caregivers. They yell at one another. And that's why some people label them "cancer brats."
Since my visit with Danny, I've been reflecting on what he told me about the problems that often result when parents and other caregivers overindulge children who have health problems. I've decided that pastors can overindulge congregations.
In fact, when I look back on my early years as a pastor, I realize that I overindulged my congregations.
My first churches were small. Worship attendance was usually fifty or below. Most of my members had extremely limited resources. Probably half of them were at least seventy, what at that time I thought was way past the age when they should be expected to do anything for anybody else.
So, what did I do? I focused on cheering them up. My sermons were always on trusting God to take care of them and their loved ones and their church. "Don't worry. God will provide!"
I seldom delegated any responsibility to anyone. I did whatever needed to be done myself. Never did I challenge them to do what they were capable of doing to keep the church doors open. Even though I thought I was doing the right thing, like an overindulgent parent, I nurtured their dependency.
Evidently, I assumed that the little churches were dying. So I concluded that the best thing I could do was to make them comfortable and help them die in peace. And, within a few years after I moved on, they did die.
In 1973, I became pastor of St. Andrew's United Methodist -- a church in Oklahoma City that had 500 or more in worship during the early '60s, before white flight, and had only 35 when I arrived.
A key leader in that congregation was Win Selby. He helped teach me to challenge a congregation to do all they possibly could to take care of themselves, to care for one another, and to help care for people in the community.
Even though St. Andrew's was reeling from its heavy losses, the courageous and compassionate members responded admirably. They shifted their focus from giving up to giving.
A few days ago, I attended Win Selby's funeral. In keeping with his request, an offering was taken. When the offering plate reached me, I noticed it was piled high. The money was sent to United Methodist Committee on Relief to help with its ministry to survivors of Hurricane Katrina.
Even at his funeral, when people were grieving the loss of a dear friend, Win Selby was challenging people not to focus on their loss, but to help others.
Jesus came to communicate God's love for all people. To express God's love, he comforted the afflicted, and he also afflicted the comfortable.
As pastors, communicating God's love is our responsibility -- rather our opportunity. But let us remember that communicating God's love is not limited to comforting people. It often calls for us to challenge people.
God's love is sometimes best expressed through tough love.
Dr. Boyce A. Bowdon, a United Methodist minister and writer, is author of several books, including "A Child Friendly Church."
